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Brené Brown — Striving versus Self-Acceptance, Saving Marriages, and More | The Tim Ferriss Show

Tim Ferriss・68 minutes read

Dr. Brené Brown is a renowned researcher and author known for her work on courage, vulnerability, and empathy, with a new podcast launching in 2020. She emphasizes embracing imperfection, setting boundaries, and the balance between striving for excellence and self-acceptance, advocating for self-awareness and deep emotional work to facilitate growth and change.

Insights

  • Dr. Brené Brown's work on courage, vulnerability, and empathy has garnered immense popularity through best-selling books, TED talks, and a Netflix special, resonating with audiences due to her candid sharing of struggles and imperfections.
  • The speaker reflects on the delicate balance between striving for excellence and self-acceptance, acknowledging the need to schedule time for both practices to foster personal growth and well-being.
  • Self-awareness, curiosity, and the removal of protective armor are highlighted as essential steps in navigating midlife challenges, emphasizing the importance of therapeutic intervention and emotional exploration to facilitate significant personal growth and change.

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Recent questions

  • Who is Dr. Brené Brown?

    Dr. Brené Brown is a research professor at the University of Houston, known for studying courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy. She has authored several New York Times bestsellers, given a popular TED talk on vulnerability, and released a Netflix special called "The Call to Courage."

  • What topics does Dr. Brené Brown focus on?

    Dr. Brené Brown focuses on courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy in her research and writings. She emphasizes the importance of showcasing both the highlights and lowlights of life, embracing imperfection, setting boundaries, and making time for self-acceptance activities.

  • Why is Dr. Brené Brown's work popular?

    Dr. Brené Brown's work resonates with many people due to her openness about struggles and imperfections. She encourages embracing vulnerability and imperfection while striving for excellence, highlighting the significance of self-acceptance and setting boundaries in personal growth.

  • What are some key takeaways from Dr. Brené Brown's work?

    Some key takeaways from Dr. Brené Brown's work include the balance between striving for excellence and self-acceptance, the importance of lasting change driven by self-acceptance, and the significance of curiosity as a replacement for protective armor in fostering self-awareness.

  • How does Dr. Brené Brown approach self-awareness and growth?

    Dr. Brené Brown emphasizes the process of self-awareness and emotional exploration, acknowledging that it can be messy and terrifying but leads to significant changes with the right tools and support. She encourages setting aside time for feedback, reflection, and utilizing resources to address relationship challenges effectively.

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Summary

00:00

Brené Brown: Courage, Vulnerability, and Empathy

  • Dr. Brené Brown is a research professor at the University of Houston, known for studying courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy.
  • She has authored five New York Times bestsellers, including "The Gifts of Imperfection" and "Dare to Lead."
  • Her TED talk on vulnerability has over 35 million views, making it one of the top five most viewed TED talks globally.
  • Dr. Brown's Netflix special, "The Call to Courage," debuted in April 2019.
  • She resides in Houston, Texas, with her husband Steve and two children, Ellen and Charlie.
  • Dr. Brown is launching a new podcast called "Unlocking Us" in March 2020, available on various platforms like Apple Podcasts and Spotify.
  • People resonate with Dr. Brown's work due to her openness about her struggles and imperfections.
  • She emphasizes the importance of showcasing both the highlights and lowlights of life, rather than just the highlight reel.
  • Dr. Brown discusses the challenges of navigating fame and setting boundaries in her public life.
  • She highlights the significance of embracing imperfection and vulnerability while striving for excellence in life.

15:46

Striving vs. Self-Acceptance: Finding Balance

  • The speaker reflects on the balance between striving for excellence and self-acceptance, pondering where the line lies.
  • The speaker discusses their ongoing review of the past year, still in progress in January 2020.
  • They mention conversations with friends and their girlfriend on the topic of self-acceptance versus achievement.
  • The speaker struggles to define the line between striving and self-acceptance, influenced by a book called "Already Free."
  • They decide to schedule time for both striving and self-acceptance practices, using tools like the "5 Minute Journal."
  • The speaker acknowledges their default mode of being achievement-focused and the importance of self-acceptance practices.
  • They share personal insights on the importance of setting boundaries and making time for self-acceptance activities.
  • The speaker discusses their evolving perspective on the balance between excellence, self-acceptance, and perfectionism.
  • They emphasize the need for lasting change to be driven by self-acceptance rather than self-loathing or complacency.
  • The speaker expresses concerns about shifting their focus towards inner growth and self-awareness, potentially alienating their current audience.

31:43

"Embracing Growth Through Self-Awareness and Curiosity"

  • Narcissism is not about self-love but about grandiosity driven by high performance and self-hatred, defined as the shame-based fear of being ordinary.
  • Fortune 50 CEOs seek help not for productivity but for team conflicts rooted in shame-based behaviors, emphasizing the need for self-awareness.
  • The process of self-awareness and unlocking oneself is not efficient but essential, requiring deep exploration and change in behaviors.
  • Midlife marks a developmental milestone where the need to be seen, known, and loved becomes crucial, leading to an unraveling of protective armor.
  • Two responses to midlife challenges are either embracing growth or doubling down on denial, causing pain and offloading emotions.
  • Curiosity is proposed as a replacement for armor, fostering self-awareness and learning in the second half of life.
  • Trauma is prevalent in everyone, necessitating the removal of protective armor, which may require therapy and deep emotional work.
  • The body's trauma response is to protect by keeping the armor on, requiring therapeutic intervention to address past emotional experiences.
  • The process of self-awareness and emotional exploration can be messy and terrifying but can lead to significant changes with the right tools and support.
  • Setting aside time for constructive feedback and reflection, like batching sessions with a trusted partner, can facilitate growth and self-awareness.

48:07

Effective Relationship Building and Family Dynamics

  • Feedback format: Tell the other person what they're doing well, what you think you're doing well, and ask for what you would like more of to spot patterns.
  • Experiment with working on alternatives based on identified patterns.
  • Utilize tools, resources, books, and methods to address relationship challenges effectively.
  • Maintain open communication and focus on what's working and what needs improvement in the relationship.
  • Implement an 80/20 approach in marriage, where partners balance energy and support each other accordingly.
  • Prioritize family focus over individual pursuits, ensuring decisions benefit the family as a whole.
  • Embrace a voting system within the family to make decisions collectively and respect each member's input.
  • Encourage compliance to commitment in parenting, guiding children to understand and align with family values.
  • Support children in exploring diverse interests and career paths to find their true passion.
  • Embrace a slower approach to growth and success, focusing on creating quality content and partnerships rather than rapid scaling.

01:02:17

Speaker's Superpower: Sobriety, Keto, and Fun

  • Sobriety is considered a superpower by the speaker, who has only missed drinking five or six times in 23 years due to high anxiety.
  • The speaker's food zone is described as a keto-like diet due to insulin resistance from yo-yo dieting, focusing on high fat, moderate protein, and low carb intake.
  • The binary nature of the keto diet, where one is either in ketosis or not, helps the speaker manage food addiction.
  • The speaker's sobriety is viewed as a superpower, contributing to their successful marriage, parenting, and career by allowing them to face challenges without turning to substances.
  • The speaker has shifted from a perfectionist mindset to accepting good enough, like preparing simple family meals instead of aiming for perfection.
  • Sleep is emphasized as crucial for overall health, with the speaker highlighting its importance over exercise and diet.
  • The speaker engages in various fun activities, including watching movie trailers, trash-talking during games, and enjoying Rick Beato's music countdown videos on YouTube.
  • British crime procedurals and the show "Gogglebox" are mentioned as favorite entertainment choices for the speaker.
  • The speaker spends time on TikTok and shares a humorous exchange about a "matter baby" joke.
  • Exciting plans for 2021 include a visiting professorship at Texas McCombs at UT Austin, launching a new podcast called "Unlocking Us," and focusing on research and writing a new book with a discernment lens for contribution.

01:17:06

Creative Solutions and TikTok Trends

  • The individual discusses making up answers for a project, interacting with someone about a graphic, and practicing saying a word quickly. They mention TikTok and a butterfly, and the need to get closer to the microphone. The conversation includes references to a wing, Elmer Fudd, and wholesome TikTok content. They also mention spending more time in Austin and direct people to find more information on their latest projects at brenebrown.com.
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