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The Science of Attraction: Why You’ve Not Met Someone - Matthew Hussey (Bonus Episode)

Deep Dive with Ali Abdaal・48 minutes read

Modern dating has become more challenging with the rise of online platforms, causing difficulties in standing out and creating a paradox of choice. Dating expert Matthew Hussey emphasizes the importance of attraction stages, dating mistakes, and building successful relationships, urging individuals to seek deeper connections beyond superficiality and maintain respect and value in relationships.

Insights

  • The shift to online dating platforms has made it harder to stand out, with a small percentage of people garnering the majority of attention, leading to a paradox of choice in dating apps.
  • Matthew Hussey, a dating expert, emphasizes the importance of chemistry, perceived value, challenge, and connection in attraction, while also highlighting the significance of admiration, commitment, and compatibility in building successful relationships.

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Recent questions

  • How has modern dating evolved?

    Modern dating has shifted towards online platforms like dating apps and websites, reducing organic interactions. This change presents challenges in standing out online and navigating the paradox of choice, where a small percentage receives the majority of attention. Social media platforms like Instagram and TikTok contribute to feelings of envy and inadequacy, shaping the landscape of modern dating.

  • Who is Matthew Hussey?

    Matthew Hussey is a dating and relationships expert who has helped many individuals find love through various mediums. His journey began with public speaking, specializing in assisting women in navigating the complexities of dating. Hussey's unique perspective as a man offering dating advice for women bridges communication gaps and provides valuable insights into attraction and relationship dynamics.

  • What are the four stages of attraction?

    Attraction is broken down into chemistry, perceived value, perceived challenge, and connection. These elements play crucial roles in forming and maintaining attraction in relationships. Understanding these stages can help individuals navigate the complexities of dating and build successful connections based on admiration, commitment, and compatibility.

  • How can individuals foster attraction beyond familiar patterns?

    To foster attraction beyond familiar patterns, individuals should embrace curiosity and imagination. It is essential to explore different types of people and situations, avoiding preconceived notions that may limit attraction. By seeking a deep sense of peace and unique pairings, individuals can cultivate multifaceted relationships that go beyond surface-level connections.

  • What is the importance of small favors in initiating conversations?

    Small favors play a significant role in initiating conversations and breaking the ice in social settings. By using indirect openers and the "handkerchief" approach, individuals can increase likability and approachability. These subtle gestures can lead to natural conversations and create opportunities for meaningful interactions, fostering connections beyond initial impressions.

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Summary

00:00

Navigating Modern Dating with Matthew Hussey

  • Modern dating is complex due to the shift towards online platforms like dating apps and websites.
  • Meeting potential partners organically has decreased, leading to challenges in standing out online.
  • The paradox of choice in dating apps results in a small percentage receiving the majority of attention.
  • Social media platforms like Instagram and TikTok contribute to feelings of envy and inadequacy.
  • Matthew Hussey, a dating and relationships expert, has helped many find love through various mediums.
  • Hussey's journey began with public speaking, leading him to specialize in helping women navigate dating.
  • Hussey's unique perspective as a man offering dating advice for women bridges communication gaps.
  • The discussion with Hussey covers the four stages of attraction, dating mistakes, practical advice, and long-lasting desire.
  • Attraction is broken down into chemistry, perceived value, perceived challenge, and connection.
  • The importance of admiration, connection, commitment, and compatibility in building a successful relationship is emphasized.

15:14

"Value, Challenge, and Curiosity in Attraction"

  • The speaker discusses the incredible connection and chemistry they have with someone, emphasizing the amazing conversations and sex they share.
  • Despite not hearing from the person for two weeks, the speaker believes the connection is invaluable and essential to them.
  • The speaker delves into the concept of perceived value and the importance of maintaining a sense of challenge in a relationship to sustain respect and real value.
  • They highlight the significance of not confusing being oneself with holding onto traits that lead to bad decisions or unhealed trauma.
  • The speaker warns of the consequences of ignoring valuable advice, citing examples of women who sacrificed their desires for unsatisfactory relationships.
  • Transitioning to dating mistakes, the speaker mentions the common trope of being attracted to excitement over stability, questioning the extent to which attraction is a choice.
  • They discuss the impact of preconceived notions on attraction, urging individuals to explore different types of people and situations.
  • The speaker emphasizes the importance of curiosity and imagination in fostering attraction beyond familiar patterns.
  • They caution against external validation and the influence of past traumas on attraction, urging self-awareness in labeling attraction.
  • Lastly, the speaker advises on the value of seeking a deep sense of peace and unique pairings in attraction, encouraging individuals to be multifaceted like an album rather than a one-hit wonder.

31:28

"Approaching Men: Small Favors and Icebreakers"

  • The speaker discusses the concept of cognitive dissonance and compliments someone on their impressive work performance.
  • They emphasize the importance of recognizing someone's energy or style rather than just superficial looks.
  • The speaker talks about the challenge of meeting amazing guys who don't approach women and the impact of dating apps on this dynamic.
  • They introduce the idea of the "handkerchief" as a metaphor for women approaching men and taking initiative in dating.
  • The speaker explains how small favors can increase likability and how this concept relates to the "handkerchief" approach.
  • They provide practical examples of small favors women can ask for to initiate conversations with men.
  • The speaker highlights the importance of breaking the ice subtly through small favors to start natural conversations.
  • They discuss the effectiveness of indirect openers in prompting conversations without excessive confidence.
  • The speaker introduces the "two-hit theory" as a strategy to increase approachability and initiate interactions in social settings.
  • They address the challenges of maintaining desire in long-term relationships and reference Esther Perel's work on love and desire dynamics.

47:23

Navigating the Honeymoon Phase in Relationships

  • The honeymoon period in relationships varies in importance for individuals based on their desire for security or excitement, with some prioritizing love and others valuing desire more.
  • It is crucial to understand and cater to your partner's needs, rather than projecting your own desires onto them, to maintain a healthy relationship.
  • Transitioning from the honeymoon phase to a real relationship involves acknowledging imperfections and sustaining desire by paying attention to moments that ignite passion in your partner.
  • Real mastery in relationships involves going beyond your comfort zone to provide value to your partner, whether it's encouraging them to spend time with friends or understanding what triggers feelings of love or desire in them.
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