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Stop Chasing LOVE & Do This Instead To Find Love! | Martha Higareda & Lewis Howes

Lewis Howes・94 minutes read

Martha Igareda, an accomplished actor, producer, and writer, discusses the misconceptions perpetuated by romantic comedies, emphasizing the importance of self-awareness and not relying on a partner for completion. The conversation delves into the difference between falling in love and loving someone deeply, stressing the significance of accepting a partner as they are and knowing one's values before seeking a romantic relationship.

Insights

  • Romantic comedies often present an incomplete view of love, emphasizing partner completion, but it's essential to be self-aware and not rely on a partner for fulfillment.
  • Accepting a partner as they are, without attempting to change them, is crucial in relationships to avoid feelings of being trapped or frustrated.
  • Prioritizing personal desires and goals, setting clear agreements, and aligning priorities in a relationship can lead to a healthier, more fulfilling connection.

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Recent questions

  • What is the importance of self-awareness in relationships?

    Self-awareness is crucial in relationships as it prevents relying on a partner for completion. Understanding oneself, values, and boundaries before seeking a romantic partner fosters healthy connections. It allows individuals to accept partners as they are, without trying to change them. Self-awareness also helps in differentiating between falling in love and loving someone deeply, promoting genuine relationships based on acceptance and understanding.

  • How can inner child wounds impact relationships?

    Inner child wounds like rejection, abandonment, and humiliation can influence attraction to troubled partners. Unresolved trauma can lead to seeking control in relationships for safety. Addressing these wounds before relationships can prevent attracting similar partners. Instances of shame in childhood may result in tolerating abuse in adulthood due to familiarity with such emotions. Understanding and healing inner child wounds are essential for healthy relationship dynamics.

  • Why is it important to align values in a relationship?

    Aligning values, vision, and lifestyle in a relationship is crucial for a healthy partnership. It ensures compatibility and prevents future conflicts based on differing beliefs. Understanding each other's Love Languages and needs fosters a harmonious relationship. Rushing into commitments without ensuring alignment can lead to misunderstandings and dissatisfaction. Prioritizing shared values and vision creates a strong foundation for a fulfilling and lasting relationship.

  • How can insecurity affect relationships?

    Insecurity and jealousy can erode a relationship over time, leading to control and mistrust. Controlling a partner due to insecurity is detrimental and can cause complications. Prioritizing personal desires and goals over insecurities is essential for a healthy relationship. Authenticity, honesty, and open communication help in addressing and overcoming insecurities, fostering trust and understanding in relationships.

  • What are the priorities in a healthy relationship?

    In a healthy relationship, prioritizing self-care and personal goals is essential. Health should be the top priority, followed by personal missions and then the partner. Setting clear priorities and agreements in a relationship ensures harmony and understanding. Aligning priorities with a partner and creating agreements, like avoiding intense discussions late at night, leads to a healthier and more fulfilling connection. The speaker emphasizes the importance of valuing oneself, personal goals, and the partner in maintaining a balanced and fulfilling relationship.

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Summary

00:00

"Love, Self-Awareness, and Romantic Misconceptions"

  • The episode features Martha Igareda, the first intimate partner of the host in the history of the show.
  • Martha is an accomplished actor, producer, and writer with over 40 movies and TV shows to her credit.
  • The discussion centers on love, relationships, and the misconceptions perpetuated by romantic comedies.
  • Romantic comedies often portray an incomplete view of love, emphasizing completion by a partner.
  • Martha highlights the importance of self-awareness and not relying on a partner to complete oneself.
  • The conversation delves into the difference between falling in love and loving someone deeply.
  • Martha emphasizes the significance of accepting a partner as they are, without trying to change them.
  • The importance of knowing oneself, values, and boundaries before seeking a romantic partner is stressed.
  • Both hosts share personal experiences of trying to change their ex-partners, highlighting the importance of acceptance.
  • The episode concludes with a focus on honesty and upfront communication in the early stages of dating to foster genuine connections.

16:06

Navigating Relationship Dynamics and Inner Wounds

  • People often hide parts of themselves they are not proud of, fearing rejection or the need for change.
  • Women may struggle to fully accept men with their past, insecurities, and challenges.
  • Attempts to change a partner can come off as controlling and stem from a desire for safety.
  • Controlling a partner is a myth as humans are unpredictable and uncontrollable.
  • Trying to change a partner can lead to feelings of being trapped and frustrated.
  • Reflecting on personal experiences can lead to realizations about attracting certain types of partners.
  • Unresolved trauma and inner child wounds can influence attraction to troubled partners.
  • Inner child wounds like rejection, abandonment, and humiliation can impact relationships.
  • Betrayal wounds can lead to seeking control in relationships to feel safe.
  • Understanding and addressing inner child wounds before relationships can prevent attracting similar partners.

32:35

Healing Childhood Wounds Shapes Adult Relationships

  • The speaker, as the oldest sibling, felt valued by helping others in the family, shaping her identity around being of assistance.
  • Seeking to help others subconsciously, the speaker was drawn to partners needing support to feel worthy.
  • Early experiences of shame, like being teased by her father, led to a deep sense of embarrassment and inadequacy.
  • Instances of shame in childhood can lead to tolerating abuse in adulthood due to familiarity with such emotions.
  • The speaker emphasizes personal responsibility for healing childhood wounds rather than blaming parents for their actions.
  • Unresolved feelings of injustice in childhood can result in rigidity and competitiveness in adulthood.
  • Addressing inner child wounds is crucial to understanding attraction patterns and relationship dynamics.
  • Accepting partners as they are, without expecting them to change, is vital for relationship success.
  • Committing to personal growth individually within a relationship fosters safety and understanding.
  • Evaluating compatibility early on, based on authentic behavior rather than potential, is key to avoiding future relationship conflicts.

47:41

Navigating Love Languages for Healthy Relationships

  • The individuals discussed their initial meeting, where they delved into deep conversations about their personal journeys and experiences.
  • They highlighted the importance of being authentic and open about their past and current situations.
  • Both parties emphasized the significance of aligning with each other's Love Languages for a harmonious relationship.
  • Understanding and catering to each other's Love Languages was seen as a key aspect of feeling loved and appreciated.
  • The text emphasized the necessity of being aware of one's partner's needs and communicating in their preferred Love Language.
  • Anecdotes were shared about misunderstandings arising from differing Love Languages, leading to feelings of being unloved.
  • The importance of aligning values, vision, and lifestyle in a relationship was underscored for a healthy partnership.
  • The individuals reflected on their past relationships, acknowledging the wisdom gained from previous mistakes and experiences.
  • The text cautioned against rushing into long-term commitments without ensuring alignment in values and vision.
  • It discussed the misconception of seeking safety in a relationship through control, emphasizing that true safety comes from within oneself rather than external factors.

01:02:34

Navigating Insecurities in Relationships: A Comprehensive Guide

  • A girlfriend in Mexico expressed insecurity about her boyfriend's ex-girlfriends being more beautiful.
  • She felt anxious about attending a party where one of the exes would be present.
  • She considered canceling work commitments to attend the party with her boyfriend.
  • The girlfriend's insecurity stemmed from feeling inadequate compared to the exes.
  • The advice given emphasized that controlling a partner due to insecurity is detrimental.
  • Insecurity and jealousy can erode a relationship over time.
  • Asking important questions early on in a relationship is crucial for alignment.
  • Being authentic and honest in relationships prevents future complications.
  • Prioritizing personal desires and goals is essential for a healthy relationship.
  • Authenticity and openness in communication are key to building strong relationships.

01:16:36

"Prioritizing Health, Mission, and Partner in Relationships"

  • The speaker reflects on a past relationship where her priorities clashed with her partner's.
  • She emphasizes the importance of her health as her top priority, needing daily time for spiritual, mental, physical, and emotional care.
  • The speaker acknowledges that no woman wants to hear they are not the number one priority in a relationship.
  • She explains that her mission is her second priority, the driving force that lights her up and fulfills her purpose.
  • The speaker highlights the significance of investing time and energy into her mission without being pulled away from it.
  • She clarifies that her partner is her third priority, ensuring they feel valued and supported after her health and mission.
  • The speaker discusses the pyramid model her parents follow, where the couple comes first before children, family, friends, and community.
  • She stresses the importance of aligning priorities and creating agreements in a relationship for harmony and understanding.
  • The speaker shares personal agreements made with her partner, like not discussing intense topics after 11 pm for better communication and understanding.
  • She concludes that setting clear priorities and agreements in a relationship leads to a healthier and more fulfilling connection.

01:31:19

"Love, Boundaries, and Success: A Discussion"

  • The speaker discusses how women process and collect data differently, mentioning difficulty in rumination after a certain hour.
  • The conversation shifts to the concept of love not being sufficient for a successful relationship, emphasizing the importance of setting boundaries.
  • Misunderstandings about shared vision in relationships are highlighted, along with navigating obstacles consciously.
  • The speaker invites feedback on continuing the discussion on love, relationships, and intimacy in a potential part two.
  • Future topics include manifesting success, dreaming big, and making dreams a reality, with a movie featuring the speaker coming out soon.
  • The speaker expresses gratitude and love towards the interviewee, acknowledging the impact of their relationship and teaching on love and acceptance.
  • The interviewee shares three truths: serving others leads to authentic manifestation, success is found in present moments, and not leaving one's unique music unheard.
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