Login Get started

Dr. David Buss: How Humans Select & Keep Romantic Partners in Short & Long Term

Andrew Huberman・96 minutes read

The Huberman Lab Podcast featuring Dr. David Buss discusses evolutionary psychology regarding human mate selection strategies, mate poaching, deception in relationships, and the influence of biological factors on behavior, offering valuable insights rooted in laboratory studies. Buss's work emphasizes universal desires in long-term mates, gender differences in mate selection, strategies for healthy relationships, the prevalence of infidelity, and the evolutionary aspects of mate value discrepancies, jealousy, and violence in relationships.

Insights

Dr. David Buss, a Professor of Psychology, specializes in evolutionary psychology, focusing on mate selection strategies including cheating, courtship, deception, and status assessment.
Women prioritize health, dependability, and emotional stability in long-term mates, while men prioritize physical attractiveness; cultural norms and mutual mate choice influence age preferences in mating.
Infidelity, encompassing sexual, emotional, and financial aspects, is common, with men motivated by sexual variety and women often seeking emotional connection or dissatisfaction resolution.
Jealousy, triggered by mate value discrepancies, can lead to various responses from vigilance to violence, with stalking often motivated by mating interests and the dark triad personality traits contributing to harmful behaviors in relationships.

Get key ideas from YouTube videos. It’s free

Recent questions

What is the Huberman Lab Podcast about?
The Huberman Lab Podcast discusses science and tools for everyday life, hosted by Andrew Huberman, a Professor at Stanford School of Medicine.

Related videos

Summary

00:00

Evolutionary Psychology: Insights into Human Mate Selection

The Huberman Lab Podcast discusses science and science-based tools for everyday life, hosted by Andrew Huberman, a Professor of Neurobiology and Ophthalmology at Stanford School of Medicine.
Dr. David Buss, a Professor of Psychology at the University of Texas, Austin, is a guest on the podcast, known for his work in evolutionary psychology, particularly in understanding human mate selection strategies.
Dr. Buss's laboratory focuses on various aspects of mate selection, including why individuals cheat on their partners, the courtship dance in dating, deception in relationships, and the assessment of status and mate worth.
Research from Dr. Buss's lab delves into emotions like lust and jealousy, mate poaching strategies, and how biological factors like ovulation influence mate selection and sexual behavior.
Recent work from Dr. Buss's lab explores darker aspects of mating behavior, such as stalking and sexual violence, alongside strategies for healthy mate selection and relationship progression.
Dr. Buss has authored significant books like "The Evolution of Desire" and "Why Women Have Sex," with his latest book, "When Men Behave Badly," delving into sexual deception, harassment, and assault.
The podcast emphasizes the scientific grounding of Dr. Buss's work, rooted in quantitative laboratory studies, offering valuable insights into human mate selection and mating strategies.
Sponsorships for the podcast include Roka eyeglasses and sunglasses, InsideTracker personalized nutrition platform, and Headspace meditation app, each offering unique benefits for consumers.
Dr. Buss provides a theoretical framework for understanding mate choice, highlighting Darwin's theory of sexual selection and the two causal processes of intrasexual competition and preferential mate choice.
In long-term mating, qualities desired by men and women differ, with preferences influencing competition among individuals for access to desirable partners, showcasing mutual mate choice in humans.

13:56

Evolution of Long-Term Mate Selection in Humans

Less than 5% of mammalian species exhibit long-term pair bonding or mating strategies.
Chimpanzees, our closest primate relatives, lack long-term mating strategies.
Humans uniquely evolved long-term pair bonding, male investment in offspring, and concealed ovulation.
A study across 37 cultures revealed universal desires in long-term mates: intelligence, kindness, mutual attraction, and love.
Women prioritize good health, dependability, and emotional stability more than men.
Men prioritize physical attractiveness in long-term mate selection.
Women assess men's social status, ambition, and resource trajectory for mate selection.
Women use mate choice copying, preferring men pre-approved by other women.
Men prefer women 3-4 years younger on average, while women prefer men 3.5-4.5 years older.
Cultural constraints and mutual mate choice influence age preferences in long-term mating.

30:13

Cultural views on virginity and online dating deception

In different cultures, the value placed on virginity varies significantly, with China valuing it highly and Sweden placing little to no importance on it.
The preference for virginity was mutual for both males and females in China, but over time, the importance of virginity has decreased in urban areas, with males now valuing it more than females.
Despite cultural changes over time, the sex differences in valuing virginity have remained consistent across various cultures.
Deception in online dating is common, with men exaggerating income and height, while women tend to lie about weight and post misleading photos.
Deception in mate selection includes men misrepresenting their interest in long-term relationships on platforms like Tinder.
Modern internet dating allows for new forms of deception, like Photoshopping, that were not as prevalent in ancestral times.
Physical appearance is crucial in both long-term and short-term mating, with women prioritizing bad boy qualities in short-term mating and good dad qualities in long-term mating.
Women are more context-specific in their attraction to men, with factors like status, attention structure, and interactions with children influencing their attraction.
Men tend to prioritize physical appearance in short-term mating but are willing to lower their standards for low-commitment encounters.
Women use mate-copying as a heuristic, being more attracted to men who are desired by other women, leading to phenomena like groupies for famous individuals.

46:19

Understanding Infidelity: Motivations, Gender Differences, and Risks

Infidelity is a common but secretive behavior, with Kinsey studies indicating around 26% of married women and 50% of men have committed infidelity.
Sexual infidelity, involving intercourse with someone other than a committed partner, is the primary focus here.
Men are primarily motivated by sexual variety, with about 70% citing opportunity as the key reason for infidelity.
Women, on the other hand, often have affairs due to emotional or sexual dissatisfaction in their primary relationship.
The evolutionary theories of dual mating strategy and mate switching are debated as explanations for women's infidelity.
Evidence suggests that women who have affairs often fall in love with their affair partners, supporting the mate switching hypothesis.
Women tend to have longer-lasting affairs with one person, while men have more transient affairs with multiple partners.
The prevalence of emotional and financial infidelity is highlighted, with emotional infidelity involving psychological closeness and sharing intimate information.
A study analyzing reactions on a reality TV show called Cheaters reveals gender differences in confronting partners about infidelity, with men focusing on sexual acts and women on emotional connection.
The modern era's technological advancements make it easier to engage in infidelity but also increase the risk of getting caught due to digital footprints and surveillance cameras.

01:01:35

Understanding Infidelity: Sexual, Emotional, Financial Aspects

Men tend to focus more on the sexual components of infidelity due to concerns about paternity certainty, while women are more attuned to emotional infidelity.
Financial infidelity, such as secret bank accounts or hidden expenditures, is prevalent among both sexes, with percentages ranging from 30% to 60%.
Infidelity encompasses sexual, emotional, and financial aspects, with women having a broader definition of infidelity compared to men.
Contraception use during infidelity is a key feature due to its implications for paternity, pregnancy, and disease prevention.
Status plays a significant role in mate selection, with higher status individuals having access to more desirable mates.
Jealousy is an evolved emotion serving adaptive functions like mate retention and mate guarding in long-term relationships.
Jealousy can be triggered by cues of infidelity, emotional distance, potential mate poachers, or mate value discrepancies.
Mate value discrepancies, such as career success or job loss, can lead to jealousy as they impact access to potential mates and the likelihood of infidelity.
People are attentive to mate value discrepancies as higher mate value individuals are statistically more likely to have affairs or end relationships.
On average, individuals tend to trade up to higher mate value partners when seeking new long-term relationships.

01:17:08

"Jealousy, Violence, and Mate Value Discrepancies"

Mate value discrepancies can lead to trading up in the mating market.
Jealousy is triggered by mate value discrepancies and can lead to various responses.
People use tactics ranging from vigilance to violence to deal with jealousy.
Vigilance includes stalking, monitoring, and hacking into devices.
Violence, including intimate partner violence, is a significant issue in relationships.
Verbal violence often precedes physical violence in relationships.
Insulting a partner's appearance is a tactic to reduce perceived mate value.
Violence can lower a woman's mate value by injuring her physically.
Intimate partner violence can be directed towards pregnant women to terminate pregnancies.
The dark triad consists of narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy, leading to harmful behaviors in relationships.

01:32:39

"Serial Offenders in Sexual Violence and Stalking"

Perpetrators of sexual violence tend to be serial offenders, like one guy harassing multiple women in the workplace.
Notable cases like Harvey Weinstein and Bill Cosby involved a large number of victims but few perpetrators.
Stalking often stems from a mating motivation, with men trying to maintain relationships or interfere with women's future prospects.
Criminal stalking is predominantly done by men, with women making up a smaller fraction.
Stalking can sometimes work by scaring off potential suitors or interfering with a woman's attempts to remate.
In some cases, stalking can lead a woman back to her stalker due to lack of other options.
Having children from a previous relationship generally decreases a woman's mate value.
Men tend to seek younger mates as they age, avoiding those who already have children.
Attachment styles from childhood can impact long-term partner choice, with secure attachment styles being conducive to lasting relationships.
Unconventional relationships like polyamory and monogamish arrangements are becoming more common, challenging traditional mate choice norms.

01:47:36

Navigating Polyamory and Mate Value Assessment

Polyamory involves overcoming evolved mating psychology with evolved desires in mind.
Men are more inclined towards polyamorous relationships due to a desire for sexual variety.
Women may agree to polyamory as a mate retention tactic.
Sexual jealousy triggers emotions, with different reactions based on emotional connections.
Couples in polyamorous relationships set specific rules to manage jealousy and desires.
Online pornography caters to men's desire for sexual variety without physical involvement.
Excessive pornography consumption can alter brain circuits, affecting real-life sexual experiences.
Assessing mate value involves self-esteem tracking and consensual evaluations.
Individual differences in mate value components impact partner selection.
Accurately assessing mate value is complex due to numerous and varied components.

02:02:18

Deception and Evolution: Insights into Human Behavior

Robert Trivers introduced the hypothesis of self-deception in 1976 in the preface to Richard Dawkins' book, The Selfish Gene.
Successful deception is aided by self-deception, as believing in something strongly can make one more convincing to others.
People often use displays of self-confidence as cues to assess someone's abilities, leading to overestimations and underestimations.
Confidence in job candidates can act as a heuristic, influencing decision-making processes subconsciously.
Individuals high in psychopathy excel at deception, potentially due to their exceptional skills in deceiving others.
Evolutionary psychology and neuroscience are converging fields, with a focus on understanding underlying mechanisms.
Doctor David Buss's recent book, "When Men Behave Badly," delves into sexual conflict, deception, and coping strategies within relationships.
Buss's other works, like "The Evolution of Desire" and "Evolutionary Psychology: The New Science of the Mind," explore human mating strategies, survival problems, and various evolutionary topics.

Try it yourself — It’s free.