"THIS IS WHY You Keep Having Relationship PROBLEMS!" | Dr. Shefali & Lewis Howes

Lewis Howes2 minutes read

Women must break free from societal constraints by recognizing cultural toxicity, addressing traumas, and embracing self-discovery to heal unworthiness and find liberation. Personal growth involves acknowledging inner wounds, embracing truth, and prioritizing self-awareness and alignment with one's true self.

Insights

  • Recognizing societal conditioning and cultural toxicity is crucial in breaking free from victimhood in relationships and challenging established norms about beauty, relationships, and love.
  • True empowerment stems from acknowledging and shedding victim consciousness, taking back power, and moving beyond blame to reclaim autonomy and agency.
  • Healing from deep traumas, like childhood abuse, requires time and self-discovery, with no set timeline for reclaiming power, emphasizing the importance of self-awareness and personal growth.

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Recent questions

  • How can women break free from societal constraints?

    By recognizing toxic conditioning, challenging societal lies, and reclaiming power.

  • What is the first step in awakening?

    Acknowledging cultural lies and one's role in perpetuating falsehoods.

  • How can individuals heal from deep traumas?

    Healing can take years or decades with no set timeline.

  • What is the impact of societal pressure on individuals?

    It leads to conformity and expectations set by parents and culture.

  • How can individuals achieve true empowerment?

    By taking back all power, including blame, and evolving beyond victimhood.

Related videos

Summary

00:00

Breaking Free: A Radical Awakening for Women

  • The book "A Radical Awakening" aims to help women break free from societal constraints in areas like marriage, relationships, sex, and monogamy.
  • Women are often conditioned by a toxic patriarchy to be quiet, small, and accept violations, leading to victimhood in relationships.
  • Recognizing cultural toxicity involves naming abuse, shame, guilt, insecurity, and fear, as well as challenging societal lies about beauty, youth, relationships, motherhood, and love.
  • The first step in awakening is acknowledging the cultural matrix of lies and recognizing one's role in perpetuating these falsehoods.
  • Victim consciousness involves holding onto past traumas and blaming others, while true empowerment comes from taking back all power, including blame.
  • Healing from deep traumas, like childhood abuse, can take years or even decades, and there is no set timeline for reclaiming power.
  • The author's personal trauma of unworthiness stemmed from a patriarchal upbringing, leading to a false self based on external validation.
  • Evolving beyond victimhood involves recognizing one's role in perpetuating oppression and objectifying oneself, often through societal conditioning.
  • Rock bottom moments, where defenses crumble, are seen as gifts by therapists, as they offer a chance to shed false identities and discover true selves.
  • Voluntarily embarking on a journey of self-discovery is rare, as most people only confront deep traumas when forced to by life's challenges.

15:24

Journey of self-discovery and growth through pain

  • The speaker delves into their personal journey of seeking meaning and self-discovery, starting with Vipassana meditation at 21.
  • They highlight the societal pressure to conform and stay on the "conveyor belt" of expectations set by parents and culture.
  • The speaker reflects on the challenge of sharing personal life changes, emphasizing the importance of organic disclosure.
  • They discuss the impact of projections from others and the realization that people often project their own issues onto individuals.
  • The speaker shares a transformative experience of hitting rock bottom, leading to a profound evaluation of traumas and pains for healing and growth.
  • They express a shift in perspective towards pain, viewing it as an opportunity for openness and growth rather than avoidance.
  • A significant realization about people-pleasing tendencies and boundary-setting is discussed, leading to a breakthrough in self-betrayal and integrity.
  • The speaker recounts a powerful moment of releasing long-held pain and the freedom that came with letting go of suppressed emotions.
  • The conversation shifts to conscious parenting, with the speaker sharing insights into recognizing and addressing unconscious patterns in relationships.
  • The discussion touches on the challenges of navigating intimate relationships, particularly in responding to anger, blame, and conflict with understanding and detachment.

29:51

Overcoming unworthiness: Women's path to liberation

  • Women face unconscious feelings of shame, blame, and unworthiness, leading to a disadvantage compared to men.
  • To combat this, women must identify and call out societal lies and change the prescribed standards of perfection.
  • Mothers play a crucial role in instilling worthiness in their daughters by setting an example of self-worth.
  • Women should stop competing against each other for male attention and instead support and celebrate each other.
  • Social media exacerbates insecurities by promoting false images of perfection and garnering validation through likes and comments.
  • Healing unworthiness involves recognizing childhood trauma and the roles women adopt as givers, controllers, or takers.
  • Liberation for women comes from healing unworthiness rather than waiting for societal changes.
  • Givers, who prioritize others over themselves, must first become aware of their behavior and the underlying pain.
  • Healing involves recognizing and addressing the inner child's needs that drive the behavior of givers, controllers, and takers.
  • True intimacy and love require individuals to heal their own unworthiness and not rely on others for validation or fulfillment.

44:45

"Overcoming Control Issues for Trust in Relationships"

  • Panic attacks due to control issues from past abandonment
  • Request for help in not feeding the need for constant contact
  • Desire for kindness and understanding to fulfill the need for safety
  • Childhood origins of the need for safety and recognition of the real need
  • Differentiating between communicating needs and recognizing the root need
  • Common theme of women seeking trust and safety in relationships
  • Women's need for control and possession leading to enslavement
  • Insecurities of safety and protection in relationships for both men and women
  • Conventional beliefs of control and possession in relationships
  • Three questions to assess relationship potential: consciousness quotient, deconstruction of cultural beliefs, and self-worth and presence

59:30

Childhood experiences shape adult relationships and growth.

  • Feeling competent and in control is linked to needing predictability and security, often stemming from childhood experiences.
  • Lack of predictability in childhood can lead to reactive behaviors like addiction or excessive control.
  • Unconscious patterns from childhood trauma can persist until addressed, often through therapy or confiding in a trusted individual.
  • Narrating one's life experiences aids in integrating past events and understanding patterns.
  • Therapy, coaching, workshops, and emotional intelligence training are crucial for personal growth and self-awareness.
  • Recognizing resistance in others and understanding their level of awareness is key in relationships.
  • Women often take the lead in emotional growth within relationships, seeking support from other women.
  • Compromising and finding fulfillment through other means can be a strategy for women in relationships where growth levels differ.
  • Relationships should be growth-focused, with both partners committed to personal development.
  • Seeking a therapist early in a relationship can enhance self-awareness, understanding, and mutual respect.

01:14:04

Navigating inner struggles through therapy and support.

  • Real-time pattern recognition helps individuals catch dysfunction and disrupt patterns to save time and avoid years of struggle.
  • Embracing the truth about oneself, even when it involves pain or shame, is crucial for personal growth and avoiding self-destruction.
  • Hitting rock bottom or experiencing tragic events forces individuals to confront their pain, leading to necessary self-reflection.
  • Achieving a sense of lightness and freedom comes from detaching worth from external opinions and living authentically.
  • Understanding interconnectedness and impermanence helps in defining oneself and finding liberation from societal expectations.
  • Attachment to external identities leads to suffering as everything is impermanent, causing individuals to lose sight of their true selves.
  • Safety and trust are foundational needs, and without them, individuals may struggle to find security in an unpredictable world.
  • Seeking significance without addressing underlying safety needs can lead to perpetual feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness.
  • Acknowledging the need for safety and significance is a pivotal moment, requiring therapy and support to navigate inner struggles.
  • Daily practices like meditation and coaching are essential for self-discovery and overcoming deep-rooted patterns, leading to personal growth and alignment with one's true self.

01:29:22

Embracing Inner Child: A Radical Awakening

  • Inner child concept: Understanding and accepting the presence of inner child, acknowledging projections and anger as gifts, empowering women to not be trash receptacles.
  • Relationship dynamics: Emphasizing the inability to change others, focusing on personal growth and not expecting reciprocity, retiring from roles of fixing others.
  • Book recommendation: "A Radical Awakening" by Dr. Shefali, promoting turning pain into power, embracing truth, and living freely, suggesting getting copies for friends.
  • Personal growth journey: Sharing experiences of internal pain, learning to heal and find peace, encouraging readers to embark on a similar journey.
  • Contact and support: Directing to Dr. Shefali's website for courses and social media, highlighting a preference for Facebook, and recommending exploring her content for inspiration and empowerment.
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