"Love is Not Enough in Intimate Relationships!" You NEED These 3 Things As Well with Matthew Hussey

Lewis Howes・2 minutes read

Matthew Hussey discusses the challenges of leaving a relationship for personal growth, highlighting the importance of self-awareness and courage in initiating change. The text emphasizes the significance of self-love, open communication, shared values, and mutual support in fostering meaningful, lasting relationships.

Insights

Leaving a relationship can be challenging due to the fear of uncertainty and the difficulty of initiating change for a better life, even when one knows the relationship isn't right.
Prioritizing self-love involves caring for one's well-being, setting high standards, and finding a partner who aligns with individual values, emphasizing the importance of compatibility and shared goals in fostering a meaningful and lasting relationship.

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Recent questions

How can one overcome the fear of leaving a relationship?
By acknowledging the necessity for change and prioritizing personal happiness.
What are the different levels of a meaningful relationship?
Admiration, mutual attraction, commitment, and compatibility are crucial levels.
How can one practice self-love effectively?
By committing to caring for one's well-being proactively.
What is the significance of open communication in relationships?
Open communication fosters understanding, compatibility, and mutual support.
How can one navigate the challenges of change in a relationship?
By embracing self-awareness, discipline, and uncomfortable actions for growth.

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Summary

00:00

Navigating Breakups: Fear, Change, and Growth

Leaving a relationship can feel like detonating a grenade in one's life, causing fear and uncertainty about the future.
Matthew Hussey, a dating and confidence coach, discusses the difficulty of initiating a breakup for the hope of a better life.
Breakups can be painful even when one knows the relationship isn't right, leading to internal struggles and self-doubt.
There are two types of breakups: when one doesn't realize the relationship is wrong and when one knows but fears being alone.
The fear of uprooting one's life, especially after years of entanglement, makes leaving a relationship challenging.
Staying in a relationship that doesn't work prevents happiness and peace, necessitating the courage to initiate change.
Change is difficult, requiring self-awareness, discipline, and uncomfortable actions to alter habits or behaviors.
Therapy doesn't provide a personality transplant but sets individuals on a different trajectory for a changed life.
Partners must genuinely want to change, learn how to change, and have the discipline to follow through for any relationship improvement.
Even if a partner wants to change, the transformation may only result in a 5-10% difference, not a complete personality overhaul.

14:47

"Love, Self-Worth, and Relationship Standards"

A video from an Instagram account called "Stories from Strangers" featured people sharing life regrets, including a note regretting a nose job for a partner who then broke up.
The question posed is whether changing for a partner in a relationship signifies real love or a lack of self-love.
Honest feedback from a partner can be an act of love, highlighting areas for personal growth.
The dilemma arises when requested changes conflict with one's core identity or values.
Relationships thrive on honesty and openness, even when addressing uncomfortable truths.
The importance of self-worth in relationships is emphasized, with a focus on attracting the kind of love one desires.
Setting personal standards for relationships involves understanding what truly brings happiness.
The concept of a "high value person" is subjective and should align with individual values and happiness.
Lists of desired partner qualities often focus on superficial attributes rather than deeper values.
The example from the book "Up in the Air" illustrates how lists can miss essential aspects of a fulfilling relationship.

31:27

"Building Strong Relationships Through Curiosity"

Describes how missing someone often focuses on idolizing rather than the actual impact they had on the person.
Emphasizes the importance of consistency in relationships, highlighting the value of continued connection over fleeting moments.
Compares the endurance required for a marathon to the fast twitch muscle needed for a sprint, illustrating the different demands of various relationship stages.
Warns against comparing peaceful, long-term relationships to the excitement of short-lived romances, urging for realistic expectations.
Advises against seeking to replicate intense feelings with unsafe individuals in healthy relationships, stressing the need for security and acceptance.
Discusses the significance of having difficult conversations in relationships to assess compatibility and strengthen bonds.
Encourages proactive discussions about values and future goals early in relationships to avoid misunderstandings and ensure alignment.
Suggests framing personal intentions positively and inviting partners to share their own goals to foster open communication and mutual understanding.
Advocates for curiosity and non-reactivity in conversations, allowing for exploration of each other's priorities and values without judgment or pressure.
Shares a personal anecdote about a partner's approach to asking questions and being curious, leading to deeper understanding and connection in the relationship.

46:44

"Sharing Priorities Strengthens Relationship Bonds"

The speaker reflects on past relationships where sharing priorities led to negative reactions.
The speaker expresses concern about sharing priorities with their current partner.
The speaker decides to honestly share their top priorities with their partner.
Priority number one for the speaker is their health, emphasizing mental, physical, and spiritual well-being.
Priority number two for the speaker is their purpose in life, focusing on personal growth and serving humanity.
The speaker's third priority is their intimate relationship, aiming for a healthy, loving, and peaceful environment.
The partner responds positively to the speaker's priorities, expressing admiration and understanding.
The speaker explains that prioritizing health and purpose enhances their ability to prioritize the relationship.
The partner appreciates the speaker's dedication to health, purpose, and the relationship.
The speaker emphasizes the importance of open communication and mutual support in meeting each other's needs in the relationship.

01:01:57

Levels of Relationship: Admiration to Compatibility

Admiration is the initial phase in a relationship, where one respects or admires another, even if the feeling is not reciprocated.
Mutual attraction is the second level, characterized by chemistry and connection, but it can be risky if both parties want different things.
Commitment, the third level, involves both individuals saying yes to each other, essential for a meaningful relationship.
Compatibility, the fourth level, goes beyond commitment, focusing on shared values, goals, and the ability to navigate differences positively.
Differences in compatibility can be managed through grace, compassion, and humor, making them a source of joy and fun.
A lasting relationship requires all four levels - admiration, mutual attraction, commitment, and compatibility.
Love alone is not sufficient for a successful relationship, as compatibility and shared values are crucial.
Self-love is not about qualities or achievements but about the responsibility to care for oneself as if nurturing a human.
The model of self-love based on the parent-child relationship emphasizes the lifelong duty to care for oneself.
Loving oneself is a proactive approach, not dependent on feelings or self-perception, but on the commitment to care for one's own well-being.

01:17:04

"Prioritize well-being, self-love, and relationships"

Prioritize your well-being by recognizing and distancing yourself from individuals who mistreat you, undervalue you, or cause you to doubt your self-worth. Focus on making decisions that prioritize your own happiness and quality of life.
Explore the concepts of self-love, setting high standards, finding the right partner, and living joyfully in the book available at lovebook.com. This resource delves into improving relationships with others, oneself, and life, emphasizing the importance of repetition in implementing positive changes. Additionally, access to an exclusive event, "Find Your Person," on May 4th is offered to further apply the book's teachings practically in your life.

Try it yourself — It’s free.