Borderlines: No Win Relationships, BPD Enigmas Decoded

Prof. Sam Vaknin2 minutes read

Borderline personality disorder involves two anxieties: abandonment and engulfment. Borderlines struggle with balancing these fears, creating destructive behaviors and projecting their fears onto their partners.

Insights

  • Borderline personality disorder involves two primary anxieties: abandonment anxiety and engulfment anxiety, leading to struggles in finding a balance between these fears.
  • Borderlines often project their fears onto their partners, resulting in destructive behaviors and psychopathic self-states, with relationships characterized by a dual mothering dynamic between the borderline and the narcissist.

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Recent questions

  • What are the anxieties associated with borderline personality disorder?

    Abandonment anxiety and engulfment anxiety.

  • How do borderlines outsource ego functions in relationships?

    By letting partners regulate emotions and reality.

  • What is the repetition compulsion in borderlines?

    Approach-avoidance behavior.

  • How do borderlines view their intimate partners?

    As part of themselves, fearing abandonment if recognized as separate.

  • Why do borderlines often gravitate towards narcissists in relationships?

    Triggering each other's emotional wounds.

Related videos

Summary

00:00

Borderline Personality Disorder: Abandonment and Engulfment Anxiety

  • Borderline personality disorder involves two anxieties: abandonment anxiety and engulfment anxiety.
  • Borderlines react poorly to rejection and abandonment, developing anticipatory anxiety.
  • Engulfment anxiety is the fear of being subsumed or merging with an intimate partner.
  • Borderlines struggle to find a balance between abandonment and engulfment fears.
  • Borderlines outsource ego functions to their partners, letting them regulate emotions and reality.
  • Abandonment is perceived as losing one's mind, while engulfment negates the separateness of the borderline.
  • The repetition compulsion in borderlines is approach-avoidance behavior.
  • Borderlines approach intimacy but become terrified when it becomes too intense.
  • The sudden transition in a relationship with a borderline occurs when the locus of control shifts.
  • Borderlines project their fears onto their partners, leading to destructive behaviors and psychopathic self-states.

21:24

Borderline and Narcissist: A Complex Relationship

  • In the borderline's world, the intimate partner is a prop, ensuring the stage is set for her performance.
  • The borderline views the intimate partner as part of herself, fearing abandonment if he is recognized as separate.
  • Borderlines often gravitate towards narcissists in relationships, triggering each other's emotional wounds.
  • The narcissist offers unconditional love to the borderline, acting as a maternal figure and idealizing her.
  • In relationships with borderlines, the narcissist becomes a mother figure, offering unconditional love and acceptance.
  • The borderline allows the narcissist to act as both a mother and a parentified child, creating a dual mothering dynamic.
  • By becoming the narcissist's dead mother, the borderline provides him with a chance to heal and fix his past traumas.
  • The intense bond between narcissists and borderlines stems from the narcissist's desire to fix his real mother through the borderline's role as a bad mother.
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